Reject your applicants? Why not invite them to something else?
Posted by: Jo Jordan on: November 22, 2009
HR standard letters are **** [fill in the word]
I am sure that some time in your life, you have received one of those “potted” rejection letters from an HR department. Years ago, they said, “we regret to inform you . . .” These days they say something like “the applications were of very high quality but on this occasion . . .” Somehow they always manage to be rude.
Do we have to act as if we hate the applicants?
Years ago, when a recruitment department came under my division at Coopers & Lybrand Associates, I would ask our consultants: what has this person done to offend you? And as this is a smallish town, shouldn’t we at least take into account that the people we reject today may be our clients tomorrow?
Shouldn’t we take the trouble to say why we have rejected someone?
I insisted that every letter, every letter, include a least one phrase that gave the specific reason that we had rejected them.
Couldn’t we give people access to reports about them?
In my psychology practice, I took a stronger stand. I insisted that every report was copied to the candidate. They saw exactly the same report as my client. And I would sit down and go through it with them ~ several times if necessary. I have even remarked tests by hand when a candidate disbelieved the results.
Can’t we resolve the worries that students have about our marking?
I have carried out exactly the same policy with first year students in a class of 850 students. If they queried their results, I took themseriously. There is always a first time for a computer to mess up. Students appreciated it and I am sure that reputation for being reasonable reduced requests for manual re-markes.
Managing rejections graciously
Now I am no wordsmith and I am not great at writing charming letters.
If you are, you might like to look at writer, Paulo Coelho’s method of inviting people to his birthday party. He is able to offer 30 invitations or so to his 1 000 000 plus readers. Look at his methods and his charming way of letting people down engagingly. We can learn a lot!
Managing that dreadful post-honeymoon feeling – this job sucks
Posted by: Jo Jordan on: November 22, 2009
A few weeks into a new job, disillusionment . . .
It’s inevitable. A few weeks into a new job, the honeymoon passes, and we have our first ‘fight’.
Except, that unlike a relationship where we have mutual responsibility for getttng through a fight safely, at work, at work the blame usually falls on the employee. We get extremely anxious about this unwelcome feeling that our job sucks and that we have made a very bad move!
Temporary disillusionment is 100% predictable
In a well run firm, this should not happen. The crisis will happen ~ it is called storming, from the forming, storming, norming, performing, adjourning sequence of group formation.
Every new relationship, whether personal or business, will go through a crisis of confidence as surely as the sun comes up in the morning.
What should happen, when we are running ourselves well, is that we wait for the storming. We even look forward to it, because storming marks the progress from the milling around of forming to “getting down to work”. We storm when we start working and we say “is this it? Is this worthwhile?”
Note well: we don’t have an anxiety attach until we start work! If there has been no storming, surely as the sun comes up, the employee is still in the forming stage. They still expect you to take all the responsibility and are yet to make the job their own. So welcome storming ~ even if sometimes it takes you by surprise!
How to manage storming when you are the manager
Your role as a manager, when storming begins, is not to panic! The first sign of an inexperienced (untrained, unsupported) manager is that they take the storming personally, or ignore it.
The employee is serious. He, or she, has issues. And they want reassurance. Is this job worthwhile? Your task is to remain calm and through that calmness, show you confidence in three things
- The doability of the project
- Your competence to lead the project
- & The employee’s competence to play the role that they were appointed to play.
Hesitate, show your own fears, panic, doubt the employee ~ and you confirm the employee’s worst fears. Your panic says to him (or her) that you also do not believe that this company, this team, this boss is not up to this job.
Please be calm and show confidence that all will work. And of course, if there is a specific issue, sort it out with equal calm and dispatch.
Task-oriented and socially-oriented reports
Now to make our lives a little difficult, employees don’t storm at the same points. They storm when they start working and different details will set off alarm bells.
One thing we can be sure of, though, is that highly task-oriented individuals storm earlier. Some will stat storlming before they arrive! Early stormers are more conscientious and results-oriented and consequently start questioning details early. Budget some energy for being the anchor they need and be thankful you have hired a workhorse!
Very sociable people are the opposite. They have to get their social bearings before they start work (just as task people must get their task bearings before they get social). They may take an interminable time to get down to work and they will take longer if you push them. When they are ready, they will begin; and they too will get a fright and storm. And maybe they start stormin months after the task-oriented individuals – so allow for it. Remain calm. That is what they are looking for. If you panic, if you believe they are attacking you, you will confirm their worst fears – that they are in the wrong job at the wrong time in the wrong place with the wrong people. Be calm.
How to manage your own storming
Now if you are in not-so-well-run firm and there is no one to calm you down when you start to panic, you are going to have to calm yourself down.
I’ve tried to make a heuristic for an individual to manage their own storming. Anyone? This one defeats me. After all, if I became involved as a coach/counsellor, I would a) calm down the report b) show the confidence the manager neglected to show and c) calm down the manager!
Maybe try this:
- Draw out the work process
- Mark every part that works quite well and you should continue
- Mark out every process that worries you and try to understand why the firm manages that process the way they do
- Keep your own counsel
- Be calm because calmness seems to be lacking around here
Hope that helps! Remember it is normal to have an anxiety attack shortly after the ‘honeymoon’. It means you care. It means you’ve started to deal with detail of the job! Enjoy!
Make more money by promoting a sense of belonging in your firm: A manifesto for HR
Posted by: Jo Jordan on: November 22, 2009
I don’t do pain, even in my imagination
In my last post I described an exercise for testing the depth of our positive attitude: write a novel about myself and make myself feel pain. I tried it. It was hard! I’m glad to know that I am not a masochist.
But I learned a little. I learned that we hate to lose our ‘role’ and that I hate to be around people who are just pretending to have a ‘role’. From there, I found myself listing the HR procedures for increasing belonging and the metrics to show how much value these procedures add to a company.
A manifesto for HR!
My worst nightmare
My worst nightmare is being in zombie-land. I hate being in places where people have become cynical and at best are just “deteriorating as slowly as possible“.
Of course, I don’t really hate it ~ I am terrified by it. We are terrified by anything which assaults our personalities. I’m an INTFJ or a shaper/completer-finisher/resource-investigator. I don’t do incoherent, lazy, out-of-it. I may be misguided. I may be slothful about many things. But I will always have a purpose. If I am going to be rudderless, I do it on purpose!
Our nightmare is not to have a role
This was my insight from the novel-writing exercise. We are all terrified by the prospect of not having a role, or not belonging to our communities and workplaces. We are very sensitive to rejection. Even the nuances of rejection send us into a flat spin.
Many things that can lead us to feel that we don’t belong
A lot of things can lead to a sudden feeling that we are out of place.
- Our general confidence
- Policies of the firm which signal who is in and who is out
- Cliques and favoritism
- Mismatches with our own hopes and dreams
- And storming – good old crises of confidence
Recraft your way to belonging
- Heaps has been written in the last few years about recrafting jobs to meet our personal needs. A waitress tenderly sweeping the floor of the cafe with good music playing in the background is recrafting her job just as the young guy who also works there recrafts his job by trying to sweep as fast and vigorously as possible. Both put their personal stamp and sense of meaning on the job.
- Poet David Whyte gives the same advice. Begin with the ground, the hallowed ground on which you start. Find meaning and belonging in what you already have and build from them.
- Positive psychologist, Christopher Petersen calls expanding from what we have “building a bridge while we walk on it”.
- And for a good speech showing this is not just for me and you, but for the smartest and the brightest, listen to Dr Rao on Googletalk (YouTube).
Recrafting when we feel rejected
It is tough to recraft when we feel rejected though ~ for this reason. We hate being rejected and we are loathe to admit that we have been excluded.
- One, it hurts.
- Two, we catastrophize and think that if this person rejects us, then everyone else will too.
- Three, we worry that if we dismiss rejection, we may dismiss feedback that will help us manage future relationships.
- Four, we catastrophize and think that if this relationship is not worthwhile, none will be worthwhile.
- Five, we worry that the information that we have been rejected will be used against us!
Rejection put us in an emotional spin and bullies know it! They’ll use rejection to keep you off balance.
That said, how do you work on finding the good in situation when you are feeling lousy?
Recrafting when we we are afraid
I would say we should do three things.
- Make an objective assessment of the situation, as clinically as any staff officer in front of a paper map miles from the front line.
- As you are not sitting behind the lines and you are actually in the thick of things, do as you would in battle. Move yourself, everyone else and everything you need out of the firing line.
- Consider all the options including the options for negotiation and resumption of pleasantries.
This is really hard to do. Believe me ~ being rejected by people like employers and teachers, on whom you depend, will frighten you almost as much as getting shot at. In many ways it is worse. You can allow yourself to be frightened by bullets as long as you act responsibly. But to admit you are being “dissed” by your own side rips the guts out of you.
So you do the three steps: you take defensive actions, you try to be pleasant, you take time to make an objective assessment. And guess what 90% of your energy is going into defending yourself from your own team!
Time spent on mending relationships in a firm
You are now being defensive and so is the next person and so is the next. Guess what? Anyone who wants to overrun this outfit, or take on this company, is going to win!
The firm is now in peril
This is my biggest nightmare. It is quite clear once the spiral of defensive starts, the only thing allowing this firm to survive, is the incompetence of the opposition. Anyone wanting to ‘take’ them would only have to distract the staff more for the whole ’shooting match’ to fall apart.
What is the alternative to a firm where we are all watching our backs?
Inevitably, things do wrong in companies. People do bump against each other quite unwittingly. Feelings are hurt. If we want to be successful (survive),we need to establish is a working culture where people are able to deal with shock and surprise without passing it down the line.
How do we stop defensiveness spreading?
Good HR departments, generally in larger firms work hard to keep a positive atmosphere (I did say good.)
- Good firms develop strong systems to minimize the management by whim. The reason they do that is to remove the objective threat to one’s employment that accompanies disagreements. When there is no objective threat, then people can attend to mending their fences. Good firms don’t allow people who are party to any “dissing”, in either direction, to take part in decisions about each others employment contract.
- Good firms go to great lengths to manage the assimilation process ~ known as on-boarding or induction. They work with people through the forming, storming and norming stages and then take a watching brief during the performing stage coming back in when there are changes in a team or when someone leaves.
- Good firms take some trouble to build diverse teams and to educate people why they need the very people who seem very different from themselves. HR also takes some trouble to make sure that a team is not made of people who are too similar too each other and that the important bridging roles of team player and chairperson (the lazy roles!) are also present.
- Good firms insist that everyone has an active career plan which is reviewed with you openly by committees chaired by senior members of the firm.
- Good firms monitor diversity assiduously and keep a watchful eye on the formation of cliques. HR is quick to intervene to minimize behavior that is rejecting and removes people’s attention from their own job.
- Good firms design jobs carefully making sure that is is easy to get down to work (autonomy), that growth is possible in the job visible (competence) and that jobs allow us express ourselves meaningfully (relationships). Work has goals, feedback built into the task itself, adequate resources, dignity, respect, physical safety, contractual safety, mentors and coaches. We don’t want people so confused about how their jobs fit into the wider whole that they cannot think straight.
This is what I do for a living
My job is to make a system so that we are able to work together even when we are rubbing up against people. I will see the effects of my systems in several ways:
- People attempt to resolve difficulties without fear of their contracts. People take the initiative; people don’t use the employment contract as a threat; negotiation of the employment contract is kept separate from other decisions; there is no fear in the organization or cynicism.
- The output of people does not vary significantly when they move from group to group. Nor does the output vary between people with different demographic characteristics.
- The time taken for people to settle into the organization is known and the process is monitored and taken as seriously as quality on a Toyota assembly line.
- Everyone has an active career path, we are mindful of who should be seriously thinking about progressing onto other firms, and we treat their onward progression as part of our competitive edge.
- Deployment of individuals is not only done for and to individuals. Teams are deployed so that they are balanced. They are given time to bed down and their boundaries are respected. Team work is not disrupted without investments being made in the time it takes to reestablish a team.
- We have designed each job so that it has clear goals measurable by the incumbent, they can see how well they are doing and they can step-into the job in an orderly way sharing their successes publicly with others.
HR Metrics
To monitor my system, I have metrics on each process. I also monitor HR Costs/Sales in each business unit and over time. When people have the time to attend to their jobs, I would see small improvements in the ratio.
Take for example, the HR Costs/Sales ratio in manufacturing which is usually around 10%. If people are able to do their job only 10% better, then the ratio will increase from 10/100 to 9/100 or done the other way from 10/100 to 10/110 or a 1% in Gross Profit. That is generally going to be “pure” profit ~ that is, it is money that comes available for new equipment, training and even medical insurance and holidays.
When we are making more money because we aren’t worrying, then that is good profit indeed!
We do what concerns us and we are terrified by its loss
So it seems making a role for everyone comes from greatest concern -that we are going to have to sit around faking it. That led me to think that everyone wants a meaningful role. Not everyone wants to sit around making meaningful roles. Who would make the money if we did? While other people are off making things and selling things, it is my job to create an organization where we can get along without needless friction.
An emotionally healthy company requires good systems. We must be able to work without fear. Problems must be refereed as they arise and early. And we must trawl our systems looking for emotional bruising that is getting buried. If we continue to hide the casual rejection of people “because we can”, it will eventually cost us our livelihood. While we are all protecting ourselves from each other, our opposition will be taking over our business.
Simply, I am doing my job when you are able to do yours and I do this job because I cannot imagine what it is like to live defensively all day long!
PS I still don’t think I did the exercise properly. It is very hard to imagine pain ~ even on a make-believe character that looks, moves and talks just like us!
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Test your positive thinking: make yourself the main character and feel pain
Posted by: Jo Jordan on: November 22, 2009
How deep is your positive thinking?
So you’ve resolved to live happily ever after? And your friends and colleagues are mocking your for your new found happy ways?
The big test
Here is the big test for your commitment to happiness.
Imagine yourself in the most horrible circumstances
Write a short novel with you as the main character. And write the worst things that can happen to you. Not the most horrible things in other people’s minds but the most horrible in yours.
Think of things that are so bad that your heart races and you feel as if you could pass out.
Now write yourself out of those situations.
When you can describe the worst and write a story that takes you out of those places, then you understand your hopes and values. Then you are truly thinking positively.
My first try
I am going to try this over a cup of coffee. And you know what? I know the first hurdle. I know I don’t want to write myself out of a bad situation because then it is obvious I could get out of it! And when I define the situation as bad, I don’t want it to suddenly be quite manageable (if disgusting and terrifying). I wonder if I will ever manage this!
Tell me about your first try?
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Poetry to remind us that withdrawing doesn’t solve rejection
Posted by: Jo Jordan on: November 21, 2009
Is is easy to retreat from life
Barack Obama said of his natural father – he had difficult life because he did not reach out to people.
When times are difficult, we tend to retreat from the world. When we are unpopular in the playground, we pick up our toys and go home. Then we really have no one to play with us. Do you know that people who are lost in the bush or surrounded by fire actually hide from their rescuers? When times are bad, we may be tempted to hide.
We may be rejected but it will help us little to go this way
Laws are to control governments, not us
Posted by: Jo Jordan on: November 21, 2009
Everything is allowed unless it is expressly prohibited
It is my understanding that this is the basis of English law. We will do what we want unless it is not allowed and the law prohibiting the action has been passed by Parliament.
Having said that, Britain is full of laws. There can be 10 or 20 road signs in 100 meters. Not surprisingly, they contradict each other. It is not unusual to have “slow” within seconds of 50 mph.
Something has gone wrong but it is my understanding that the law is there to protect us from the State, not to protect the State from us.
English people seem to have a different idea
I was surprised by a question on Any Questions (BBC Radio 4) today. The questioner asked how we can have a Bill that requires the national debt to be paid off in 4 years. “Who would we prosecute if it wasn’t done?”, she asked.
The audience and panel agreed this Bill was a silly idea.
But why? It rightly limits the role of the State. The law should limit what the State is able to do to us.
And who should we prosecute if the Act were not followed? Any citizen could seek an administrative order instructing an official to act in terms of the Act. Should the official not comply with a judicial order, they would go to jail for contempt of court.
When did law become a matter of telling us what to do?
When did law in the UK become a matter of punishing citizens?
The law tells officials what they may or may not do. It leaves us alone! And if you don’t get it, please walk down to your local bridge and look at the inevitable plaque commemorating the Civil War. We fought for this. Why are we giving it up?
Personas: A hack used by professionals to imagine people they don’t know well
Posted by: Jo Jordan on: November 21, 2009
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Shooting in the dark ~ I don’t know these people!
I want you to imagine any situation in which you are preparing to work with someone who you don’t know well.
- You are going to hire someone and you must write an advert
- You are going for a job interview
- You are taking a new class
- You are going to a party and your host is relying on you to get the party going
- You are scouting for new business and you are all but cold calling
Personas
In any of the situations, it really helps to write a persona.
We write down a little story of where the person has come from and where they are going to. How many children do they have? Who is their partner? What is their immediate concern? What are the values that have guided their choice in the past?
Sometimes the persona just won’t flow
Once we start writing, sometimes we realize that our expectations don’t hang together. We can’t make the story “come together.”
That is the real core of our sense that we don’t ‘know’ people. We must be able to imagine a coherent story to be comfortable.
Use a character builder
When I get stuck, I find a “character builder” online, fill out the questionnaires, and resolve in my mind all the little details I expect about the person.
The version that I use suggests a Myers-Briggs profile. It is very good for settling on one persona.
Once I have a coherent picture of someone, then I can imagine what I am going to love about them, and also what I am not going to like.
Here is the key to resolving my ’stuckness.’ What will I not like about the person? Where must my approach change to be reasonable?
Once I’ve got past this point, I can complete the scenario and write a few more, including scenarios of the person in the context of home, play and work. Who else will be there and what are their personas?
Useful hack
I hope that’s useful: Use a character builder to help your write personas to understand people you don’t know well
Are you like a zombie bank? Zombie life on borrowed time and money (Part Three)
Posted by: Jo Jordan on: November 21, 2009
Are you sleep walking through your life?
Well are you alive? Do you have pulse? At best, are you sleep walking through life? Are you wandering from one thing to another not particularly enthused by anything, maybe grumbling when you have a chance, spreading your vague dissatisfaction but wishing you weren’t?
Are you keeping company with people who are dull and dusty? Do you work in an industry or a company which is really a zombie? Slowly dying, but not aware of their slow decay and certainly not in the market for anything lively or exciting?
Deteriorating as slowly as possible is not a life. Denying that we are just deteriorating as slowly as possible is not a life either.
6 symptoms of stagnation and deteriorating as slowly as possible
John Olgbert listed 6 symptoms of a community that is “slowly deteriorating”, stagnating in self-satisfaction and lack of urgency.
1. “Phoning-it in”
We go through the motions. We take short-cuts. We do our second-best work in the belief that we are so good that 2nd best is good enough. When we are challenged, we even argue that no one will notice – and probably laugh.
Assessment: What task will take the longest this week – either in one go or when you do it repeatedly? Are we going to try a new way of doing it or are we going to use the same methods and words that we have recycled for years?
5 If you will add a completely fresh and flourishing look
3 If you are making an improvement
1 If you are following a script written by you or by any one else.
2. Cynicism
When other people do better than us, are we are jealous or envious or admiring and curious. Do we find some way to diminish the successes of others so that we don’t have to take any action ourselves, either to catch up, or to advance our own dreams?
Assessment: Who does what we do so much better than we do? What do they do that we would like to do just as well? Or are we able to dismiss our dreams readily with “don’t have time”, “not important”, “not my priority”? Of course not, 
, that’s why we noticed in the first place.
5 I know someone who does a better job than I do and I watch what they do with curiosity
3 I am jealous of someone but I do try to find out how they do what they do
1 I don’t care!
3. Nostlagia
We spend more time describing what used to be and how good it was than talking about what we are doing now and the people we are with now.
Assessment: What were the best conversations that we had during the week. How many were about the past and how many are about now!
5 Our enjoyable conversations about now exceed enjoyable conversations about other times, other places and other people by 5:1
3 Our enjoyable conversations about now exceed enjoyable conversations about other times, other places and other people by 3:1
1 Our enjoyable conversations about now exceed enjoyable conversations about other times, other places and other people by 2:1 or less
4. Few volunteer
We don’t volunteer to lead and no one else does either! Fewer and fewer people want to be part of this game!
Assessment: How many young people are banging on you door to be taken on as an apprentice? How many tasks did you volunteer to do with a spring in your step knowing that this is a community that you really want to be part of?
5 We have more good volunteers for leadership positions and they volunteer without cajoling
3 We have enough good volunteers for leadership positions but we have to put some effort into attracting them and rewarding them
1 We have not been able to find enough people to take on leadership positions
5. Dull tasks don’t get done
The little things that make the difference don’t get done and feel like drudgery.
Assessment: Do you spend all day chasing people to do what no one wants to do?
5 Everything is shipshape here and I wonder how and when all this work gets done
3 Work gets done but I do have to make a list and double check
1 There are small tasks everywhere that are yet to be completed
6. Self-importance
Even though the celebration is over and we are in a new race with new people and new priorities, we are still introducing ourselves as winners of the last race.
Assessment: We are rightly proud of what we achieve and so is every one else. Everyone admires us and we rarely hear any negative feedback. Of course, everything is perfect around here
5 We are alive to differences in opinions and interests and when we agree to differ we do so respectfully expecting to join forces on other projects
3 We do have goal but we expect to be respected by our rivals
1 Rivals? What rivals?
Rate your life and your involvement with our community and company!
I’ve used this to rate the various places I have worked. It provides a good summary of when we should be thinking of “recrafting” our jobs. A rating less than 25 and we should we listening to Dr Rao on Googletalk (YouTube) and doing some career housekeeping!
Of course, if you have rated 18 or below, you will be feeling so energy less, you will click away and look for another diversion. Do you yourself a big favor and right this minute, right a short summary of your day, figure out what you could do better. Then right away, write down Why you did so well. Do that now. Recover your life. Fall back in love with life again. Even if it seems the most impossible thing to do. Begin.
Are you like a zombie bank? Zombie life on borrowed time and money (Part Two)
Posted by: Jo Jordan on: November 21, 2009
Decline, deterioration, loss & reversal are part of life
What did President Bush do the day after he left the White House? What do US Presidents do the day after they leave the White House? What does an Olympic Champion do the day after winning a gold medal? What do we do the day after climbing Mount Everest?
Coping with the sudden gap of purpose & connection is a tough task
Well, we come down the mountain again and actually the descent is more dangerous than the assent. But at least when we are coming down a mountain, we are physically busy. In normal affairs, the sudden removal of busyness, status, purpose, connections and toys, is devastating. The loss of a job, the loss of ‘pole position’, just plain getting older is a loss at so many levels – not least, our sense of identify. How do we cope with it?
Deteriorating as slowly as possible often becomes a shadow mission
John Orteg, describing church leadership in the States, used a good phrase. Deteriorating as slowly as possible is often our shadow mission. We’ve lost our purpose and we are hanging onto old ways. Stagnation makes us bitter and it is awful to watch in others. We oscillate from pity to contempt.
Sadly, some people don’t even have to lose a job or come to the end of an exciting project, to slip into “deteriorating as slowly as possible.” They sleepwalk through life in deadly early retirement, going through the motions and not even terribly aware that they are slipping away.
To fall in love with life again
Dylan Thomas wrote a poem for his father who was growing blind “rage, rage against the dying of the light.” Professor Kay Jamieson’s husband gave her this encouragement on his deathbed: “You will fall in love with life again.”
Hope has little to do with external success. It has everything to do with loving life
None of us can live without hope and a sense that growth in is possible. But sometimes we confuse hope with trappings of success.
Hope does not mean controlling outcomes. Hope does not mean having status, control and perquisites of our past life (though we may miss them dreadfully).
Hope is a growth in our spirit. It is a sense that what we are doing now is an important task that only we can do for our communities at this time and in this place. It is sense that life will blossom in new ways taking us by surprise and delighting us.
Psychologists help people fall back in love with life again
When we have suffered a hard jolt, psychologists play an important role in helping us find our life’s purpose again. So do good religious ministers, good teachers and respected mentors. Even the smallest child can help us find our way again.
Sadly, though, we have had successful lives, or just live in rich countries or work in successful countries, we can begin to drift. Before long, we are sleep walking. We are not in love with life any more. We have become zombies, without hope – without the sense that life will still surprise us.
Are you living a zombie life : I’ve put John Orteg’s Symptoms of Deterioating as Slowly as Possible in Part Three.
Are you like a zombie bank? Zombie life on borrowed time and money (Part One)
Posted by: Jo Jordan on: November 21, 2009
My Saturday mornings are zombie time and this week I have been pondering zombie-lives
How do you spend your Saturday mornings? Some people race around. I find that the best review programmes tend to be on radio and TV on Saturday mornings and I like to let the world wash over me, get up late, and spend some time reflecting on how the week went before I go out to do the shopping and join friends for a meal.
During the week I tend to push observations that are not particularly practical to the back of my mind. In my Saturday morning time, I pull them to the front and tidy them up – make sense of them.
This week I kept brushing up against full-scale denials
In quite unrelated incidents I remembered and noticed a peculiar habit that some people have ~ that we must all have ~ of denying reality.
Of course, it is absurd to think we ever have a completely accurate grasp of the world around us. And we know that there is nothing more delightful and shocking than the view of the world from a completely different perspective. But sometimes we actively deny reality.
Mother of an abused child syndrome
- I once lived and worked with people who had what I called “mother of the abused child look.” Whenever anything difficult came up, they looked past your left ear.
No one else lives here syndrome
- I lived previously in a place with quite shocking art. It had no depth perception and the background was often blurred. The background certainly never had people in it except as a silhouette on the horizon.
We are invented the moon, we really did
- I’ve known communities who live a perfectly Walter Mitty life. They have quite grandiose ideas about their contribution to the world matched only by shocking squalor of their physical circumstances and sparseness of their professional knowledge.
Denial in the big bad West
In the big bad West of the developed world, there is another phenomena. This is not necessarily an individual phenomena, I might add. We all do the things I describe, so it is a cultural phenomena – a collective way that we experience our collective life and express our collective purpose.
As it happens, as it does, a good description of this phenomenon arrived in my Google Alerts in a post on leadership from by John Ortberg, whom I don’t know, but I take it from the details is a Christian minister in the USA. Sadly there is no comment box to leave a note appreciating his work. It you are running an Alert on yourself, thank you.
Deteriorate as slowly as possible
John makes the point that many people seem to live by a motto “Deteriorate as slowly as possible.”
When you have been big, rich and powerful, inevitably there is some decline ~ at least in bigness, richness and power. Inevitably when you live in a country that is big, rich and powerful, then you have, say, a 66% chance of not really being big, rich or powerful yourself and you live in the reflected glory of people who make your country big, rich and powerful.
The flip side of success then is deterioration. That is is just reality. It is not a psychological phenomenon.
It becomes sad, it becomes a denial or reality, when we aren’t aware of our deterioration, or we are stuck in deterioration ~ moaning, complaining and whinging such as the English are prone to do. Deterioration is part of our life. It has to be as the shadow of success. But we must live well within it.
How should we deal with deterioration?
How should we deal with deterioration? Gracefully? That is one option. Gluttonously – that is another option – I know someone who said she enjoyed living in decadent societies. But why not exuberantly? Why can’t we enjoy the morphing and regeneration that is a natural part of life as a snake changing its skin? Why can’t we celebrate the cyclical shriving? Why can’t we celebrate newcomers and mourn the departure of old ways in dignity?
I’ll list John Orteg’s questions for recognising communities who are deteriorating in an unhealthy way in Part Three: Questions to Recognise Cultural Deterioration and What To Do About IT
Part Two: Deny Deterioration at the Cost of Your Love of Life
Part Three: 6 Symptoms of Deteriorating as Slowly as Possible
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