Posts Tagged ‘Kubler Ross stages of grief’
We live in times when there is plenty to shock us
I have an old-fashioned habit of switching on the radio to catch the news. It really is a habit I must break because the quality gets more variable by the day.
Today, a little tired from a full Friday night’s work, I feel particularly jaundiced by gibberish that is put out by the (frankly) pale, male and stale – with a few opinionated women thrown in. The ranting is pretty bad today because some people in the establishment have taken abrupt status drops and are feeling pretty sorry for themselves. Some have been around bad things that would shock anyone.
And we find out who our friends are
It is in times like this though, that we really find out who our friends are. Our friends don’t egg us on. Our friends don’t invite us into the public domain to rant and rave and say the incoherent and often unpleasant things we feel in the midst of grief and in the grip of chagrin.
We need our friends to lead us quietly away to grieve in private
Our friends lead us quietly away until we’ve had the chance to grieve with the people who are part of the same tragedy. Our friends help us sort out what happened. Our friends help us to think out the consequences. Our friends help us to work out what is dark, what is untimely, what is embarrassing, what is unfair, and what just is. We don’t want to do that on the radio.
We can be sure that we adding negative consequences to negative consequences when we rant incoherently in public in our immediate shock. Our friends should not let us.
Can I COUNT ON you?
In times like these, I hope I can COUNT ON YOU to lead me quietly away. I hope I can COUNT ON YOU to put an arm around my shoulder. I hope you can COUNT ON YOU to make me a cup of tea and something easy to eat. I hope I can COUNT ON YOU to listen but not remind me later of things I said but made no sense.
I will calm down but I hope I can COUNT ON YOU to give me time to make sense of outrage and not attack me while I am in that state nor make me into a public spectacle.
And if you were not to be COUNTED ON
And if it turns out that I COULD NOT count on you, and that you did not protect me when I could not protect myself, then I know you are not a friend.
I will not blame you for the outrage that led to my grief but I will know that you are not to be COUNTED UPON.
In times of shock, please
Lead me quietly away to deal with my outrage. People who were not there and who were not part of the outrage will only see the jumble in my mind as incoherence. Talking about my confusion in public doesn’t explain anything to them or give dignity to my predicament.
Lead me quietly away, put an arm around my shoulder and make me a cup of tea.
Psychologists have a good 5 point rubric for understanding our reactions to grief, and anything unsettling.
First, we can’t take in the bad news.
Then, we get angry and look for someone to shout at.
When that doesn’t work, we sulk and bargain.
Failing again, we are confused, dejected and flail about without a plan.
Eventually, thankfully, we fall in love with life again.
Working, living and leading the bereaved
When we watch someone dealing with the death of a loved one, these stages are very clear. Because the death is a fact, it is clear that they are having trouble absorbing the new reality into their life. We do it easily because the person didn’t play such a big role in our lives and we have less to rearrange. Our time will come.
Adjusting our identity
When the loss is something more nebulous, like our identity (not our credit cards but our sense of worth), then it is harder to see that someone is travelling a painful path. We just see someone who is being ill tempered, confused, difficult.
When the little boy asked Obama this week, “Why do people hate you?, Obama took great pains to explain to to the 9 year old the grief that his opponents feel in losing the election. He has the political maturity to understand why people are difficult and work with them anyway.
How long does it take to move through the grief cycle?
As a distant observer, I’ve been watching the underlying changes going in the States. Because I am not so close to the action, I watch dispassionately to see what is happening and to learn something that is not written up well in the psychological literature.
How long does it take for a population to adjust to stunning and inescapably bad news . . . . like Bank crashes, like the assumption of power by a new generation (Gen x)(if you are a Baby Boomer), by the invention of science we did not learn at school?
At lot has happened in the last two years. When will we find our way out of the grief reaction?
2006 – We couldn’t believe that we were overspending.
2008 – Once Lehman crashed, we railed at irresponsible bankers.
2009 – We don’t want to work with the incoming President, redesign our banks, work with Nobel winning scientists even though they are already in the WhiteHouse.
When will we move into depression, and when will we fall back in love with life?
I suppose we must expect a period of depression and dejection soon.
And after that, we can get on with the job of using new developments in science, reaching out to other countries to build a new world order, include more people at home in the decision making and in the benefits of a strong economy, use the internet to make everything easier and work out the rules of a newer more respectful economy.
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